SHARE invited Portland sex educator Stella Harris to campus for our 2026 Sexual Health Week. She talked about kink, consent, safety, and pleasure. We ended the event with an anonymous Q&A! We know not everyone may have made the event, so here’s a list of the questions asked with Stella’s answers. (You can also scroll down for a video version of her presentation from another event!)
What is a dungeon?
A dungeon is a space that’s set up for kink & BDSM play with specific toys and furniture. And it does not need to look like a medieval dungeon! Many are cozy and may feature lush fabrics and soft play areas.
From home dungeons, to temporary parties, to full time dungeons (like Portland’s Sub Rosa) they will each be unique, and may cater to different kinds of play. For example, a space that’s set up for rope suspension bondage will have hard points in the ceiling over lots of open floor space. Parties or spaces more interested in impact play may have crosses and spanking benches.
Bondage & Discipline seem like they’re related less than the other pairings in BDSM. What are the definitions for those?
The terms in the BDSM acronym are fairly fluid, and bondage and discipline don’t necessarily go together. But many forms of play may combine the two. For example, someone might be bound to a St. Andrew’s Cross before being flogged or whipped.
Bondage is any time someone is bound or restrained. It may be incidental to the scene (as in the cross example above) or it may be the whole point of the scene, as in more elaborate rope bondage.
Discipline is a little squishier, and people may use this term in different ways — including never describing their activities with that term at all (even when they could fall under that umbrella.) Let’s use an example from the film Secretary; when Lee makes a mistake in her typing, her boss “punishes” her with impact play. Some folks in the kink scene may use the term “funishment” because these outcomes are desired — for example, you’re looking for ways to “earn” a spanking.
‘Negotiation’ is a term I’ve heard a lot, but without an explanation. What should negotiation look like? What kinds of questions and topics should be discussed?
Negotiation gets a bad rap. A lot of people associate the term with trying to buy a car, or get a raise at work — situations they associate with lose/lose compromise.
But negotiation for sex and kink should find the overlap in both/all parties “heck yes” list of desires.
What’s included in a negotiation will depend on what activities you’re discussing. Some topics might include: Hard limits, Triggers, Safe words, Injuries/illnesses, Goals for the scene, Language (gender, sexuality, body parts…), Who’s involved, Location, Degree of sexuality, Marks/bruises, Aftercare, Confidentiality, and Allergies.
Here’s a negotiation worksheet you can use as a starting point, but it shouldn’t be considered an exhaustive list of everything you need to consider. Here’s another worksheet from a fab colleague. (Also check out the yes/no/maybe lists linked below.)
Can you explain more about the ‘Personal Responsibility’ aspect in PRICK?
I have PRICK on the glossary because it’s a term you may encounter in kink spaces, especially online. But it hasn’t gained widespread use the way SSC and RACK have. Personally, I’m uncomfortable with this acronym’s shift to “personal responsibility.” Although it shouldn’t mean you’re any less responsible for your partner’s safety, I fear that sometimes, the way some people use it, it does.
I’ve heard the words “top” and “bottom” are used only in the context of penetrative sex. Is this true?
The terms top and bottom were born in the gay leather scene, and did often refer to penetration, although even early uses often also included an element of power dynamic.
These days the terms can refer to sexual positions and preferences, as well as who is the “giver” or “reciever” of sensation in a kink context.
What’s the difference between your type of coaching vs sex therapy and when would you recommend each?
The hard line between coaching and therapy is the treatment of mental health issues. Coaches don’t treat mental health. And it’s fairly common for me to refer clients, or potential clients, to therapists or medical doctors either before working with me, or in conjunction with our work.
At the same time, there are some topics that therapists might not be comfortable discussing, that they may not be trained in, or that they may fear cross the line of their licensing. For example, in my work I may be teaching about anatomy or sex toys, in addition to helping people with partnered sex.
The choice between a coach or a therapist is a personal decision based on the kind of work you’re hoping to do, and on a lot of topics it’s possible that either profession could be appropriate as long as you find a practitioner you feel comfortable with.
Any advice for getting into the kink scene around Portland as someone who is new, doesn’t know where to start, & holds some marginalized identities?
The website FetLife is a mixed bag (and that may be generous) but it’s still the best place to find events. If you create a profile (use an anon user name and either no picture, or a picture that isn’t of you — at least for starters) you’ll be able to find events near you, as well as listings for online events and regional conferences. You can also check calendars like Queer Social Club for event listings, though they aren’t a kink specific list. Some local events coming up in March/April can be found through PDX Kink Week.
The most common place to start in the kink scene is at a Munch. A munch is a meetup of kinksters in a public/vanilla space, usually somewhere with food (restaurants, bars, coffee shops.) Munches will be a chance to meet some folks from the local scene, ask questions, learn about events and parties, and make friends.
There are general munches as well as munches for niche topics or specific identities. There are munches for younger kinksters (like Whipper Snappers, up to 35yo) or older folks, there are also munches by interest such as bondage or even photography. And there are munches by identity, such as the queer munch, or munches for specific racial or ethnic identities. Unfortunately munches and events come and go, as organizing these events can take a lot of effort. So it’s hard to say what will be available at the exact time you’re looking for an event to attend.
There’s an upcoming online conference that may have some topics/sessions relevant to this topic as well.
Any advice on navigating kink/bdsm as a very asexual person?
Look on FetLife or in your local community, there’s a large contingent of asexual folks who engage in kink, and you’ll also be able to find discussion groups and forums. From bondage to rough body play to primal play, there are tons of kinks that can be enjoyed without a sexual element. The majority of kinks can be asexual or sex neutral, only a few kinks explicitly involve genitals or sex acts (like orgasm control.)
Where is the line drawn for kinks that are immoral? eg: age play, animal play?
If you’re talking about actual children and animals, that isn’t kink. Kink requires consent, and children and animals can’t consent to these activities.
But if adults want to role play different ages, or role play as animals, that can fall comfortably into kink. Both age play and pet play are fairly common kinks.
Can you explain consensual non-consent kink?
Consensual non-consent (CNC) is a risky form of play for folks who want to role play non-consensual scenarios. In its most basic form, any play involving a safeword could be considered CNC — if you’re saying things like “no” and “stop” without effect. Some people describe this form of play as suspending the ability to safeword during the course of the scene, but I think that’s a BAD IDEA. One of the essays in The Ultimate Guide to Kink proposes a novel solution to having the ability to stop the scene, without “ruining the mood.” The proposal is to use a non-verbal safeword that fits with the tone of the scene, their example being that as long as you’re fighting back/struggling, you’re providing ongoing consent. If you go still, there’s a problem and the scene needs to stop or your partner needs to check in.
Where does intoxication and substance use come into kink/bdsm?
Most kinksters are most comfortable playing sober, because kink & sex are already intoxicants. Many dungeon play spaces and kink specific play parties are dry events. Not only do they not provide alcohol but there are often guidelines in the event rules saying people will not be admitted or be asked to leave if they appear to be high or drunk.
Kink is already a risky activity, and it’s a bad idea to use substances that will distort perception, reaction time, and pain tolerance.
At a minimum, if you want to mix kink and substances, you shouldn’t mix multiple new things at once. Make sure you know your partner, are familiar with the form of play, and know how the substance in question affects you. And be sure to do your negotiation in advance, when everyone is sober.
More Resources
Best Practices for Consent to Kink from NCSF
Rising Interest in Consensual Non-Consent
Autostraddle’s Yes No Maybe List
For the video, you can share: https://stellaharris.net/a-beginners-guide-to-kink/
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